10 Tips for a Root Canal Virgin

Preparing for The First Time

       1. Get a good night's sleep so you'll have energy to get the house in order. This is the only way you can assess the damage done while you were having a Charlie Sheen type moment - high on legally administered and prescribed drugs.

    2.  Shampoo and undo the uncomfortable professional hairdo you've been sporting the past week. There's a time and place for weaves. This ain't it.

      3. Eat everything you can get your hands on. Your brain will be sending signals that this could be 'The Last Supper'. By 9:59 a.m. CST, I'd consumed fried fish & shrimp, 3 cups of Folgers instant, a Special K bar, trail mix, turkey & cheese sandwich, and a glass of stale wine (I threw the wine in because I'll be on another round of antibiotics due to a stalker-like sinus infection).

Please Note: I lost my ENT virginity earlier this week when my nose was penetrated. The scope revealed a deviated right septum accompanied by a polypy nasal something-or-another.

       4.  Strategically pick your outfit. Opt for the velour drawstring Old Navy bottoms instead of snap front cargo pants. This will greatly reduce the risk of a sudden onset of flatulence as a result of all the shit you ate. Wear your these-may-cover-my-whole-entire-ass-but-I'm-sexy-on-the-inside panties. Thongs and dental chairs don't mix.

       5.  Tell your Facebook friends and fans about the big day. They can't wait to chime in with their own stories.

        6.  Get your self-employed BFF to chauffeur you. If you don't have one, I strongly suggest you befriend one ASAP. They come in handy during times like these.

         7.  Leave a detailed checklist for Baby Daddy/Hubby/Spouse Equivalent. While he may have done an awesome job the past ___ years, chances are, today is the day he's likely to get amnesia.

         8.  Pray to God the legally administered and prescribed drugs don't double as a truth serum. This may not be the best time for Baby Daddy/Hubby/Spouse Equivalent to find out you have a mild-to-moderate crush on your dentist. In the unfortunate event you do end up sharing your fantasies, blame it on the legally administered and prescribed drugs.

         9.  Do not allow any kind of video recording devices in the room. Adult versions of 'David after Dentist' aren't cute and sure as hell won't go viral.

       10.  To avoid being screwed in the mouth like this again, protect and pamper your mouth the same way you do your vagina. The price you pay for dental promiscuity (or lack thereof) is a bitch.

photo: MCalatayud